Silly stuff

Alpaca Lovin’

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We had a little excitement the other day — hell, we had an alpaca porn show! It started when I went out after sundown to close the barn for Uki and Daisy (the momma and baby — and baby alpacas are called crias), and I thought I saw something black in the barn with them… sure enough, it was Fozzie! He had somehow gotten out of his corral and was in the barn with the two females! Little bugger! Well, little did I know, the “buggering” was just beginning!

I had to get him out again and try to wrangle him back into his corral. All the alpaca books (and breeders I’ve talked to) say that you need to keep the male out for about 2 weeks after a cria is born. So, I opened the gate to his corral and went back to try and separate him from the girls and all three got out of the barn. Hrmf. Well, no sooner were they out when Fozzie started trying to get on Uki. She did what any female alpaca in her position would do, I guess: she laid down on the ground and let him. They don’t do the wild deed stanging up, like horses or cows — they lay down. And I think I know why.

alpaca cave artIt takes forever! I had read in the alpaca book that it can last as long as 20 minutes, but I’m sure this was more like 45. Little bugger again, I said to myself! So, Daisy (the cria) and I just hung out, with the twilight fading and Fozzie sidling up and up and up onto Uki, and making the most crazy and amazing sounds! “Orgling” it’s called. It’s so strange someone had to make up a word to describe it! It’s like “oh baby, oh baby” in alpaca. Mixed in with strange gasping sounds. Apparently, it’s the combination of orgling and the male grasping the sides of the female with his front legs that makes the female ovulate. So, I think it worked! Way to go, buddy!

It was too dark to take a picture — plus, I didn’t want to leave Daisy unguarded in case any coyotes were around — so, I hope you enjoy this cave-art drawing (by me) of what it looked like. For 45 minutes. (There really should be more cave art in the world, don’t you think?)

The next day, I found the exact spot Fozzie must have jumped over the fence, little bugger. There was fresh broken wood, and Fozzie with a “what’s up?” look on his face kept visiting the spot. (I fixed it right away.)

Fozzie where he jumped

Now, we’ll know if it worked in a few more days when I let Fozzie back in again to visit Uki. If she spits at him and won’t lay down for him, it means she is pregnant. Isn’t it cool that she knows? I have never heard of an animal like that.

So, there you have it. Porn on the farm. Sex in the corral. Doin’ it, alpaca-style!

Oy, what a life I lead! 🙂

Daisy photobomb
Daisy, only a few days old
(Thank you, Patricia, for the photo!)

Teresa’s Episode Guide for Corner Gas

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I can’t deny it — I’m a big fan of Corner Gas. The acting is excellent and the writing hilarious! Back when I worked a lot of night shifts, Corner Gas kept me awake! I started writing an episode guide for Corner Gas so that when I was wondering which episode has Oscar’s hilarious version of a washing machine in it, or when Wanda hosts Canada AM or Hank drives Wanda’s car around, I could just search for the keywords I wanted. Once you know the episode, you can watch it on YouTube. They’re all there — all 107 episodes!

In case you’re curious, Oscar gets credit for 50 of the funniest lines (according to me), Hank gets 44, Brent 33, Wanda 18, Lacey 13, Davis 11, and Karen 8, Emma only gets 7. Of course, this doesn’t necessarily say who is the funniest overall, it’s just some fun statistics. 🙂 I think my overall favourite episode is “Get the F Off my Lawn,” although there are so many great ones, it’s hard to pick! If you have a fav, leave it in the comments! 🙂


Episode Guide for Corner Gas!


Season 1

S01E01 – Ruby Reborn – She’s the talk of the town — the woman who is taking over the diner after Ruby Burrows passes away. Hank worries that she might be a ex-convict, and Davis is just desperate for a good coffee. Meanwhile, Brent is making a change at the gas station too — he’s now offering movie rentals, which, of course, Oscar objects to.
Best lines/scenes: The surveillance bush, Emma/Oscar/Brent showdown, “She’s turned it into a gay bar.” (Hank), Lacey’s final change

S01E02 – Tax Man – When a tax man (not THE tax man!) comes to investigate Oscar, things get ugly in Dog River. Davis gets upset that he doesn’t get free coffee any more (and he won’t let Karen pay) and Lacey is flabbergasted that people think coffee refills are free. Emma knows where the tax papers are, of course, but Oscar is, well, Oscar.
Best lines/scenes: “I pay your salary!” (Oscar)

S01E03 – Pilates Twist – Brent and Hank buy the same shirt and Brent is tempted to abuse his shirt powers. Oscar and Emma go to a funeral where Oscar is distracted by the cheap coffin, so he starts building his own. Lacey starts teaching pilots, unknowingly competing with Wanda’s mat class.
Best lines/scenes: “Don’t laugh about Y2K, it could still happen.” (Oscar) “Yeah, but he did kill Jesus.” (Davis) “Then bring back some that are e=square. I’m tired of eating rectangles!” (Oscar)

S01E04 – Oh Baby – Brent agrees to babysit Wanda’s kid, Tanner, so she can go to the dentist. He gets a book out of the library which doesn’t help at all. The whole town starts betting on Brent’s injuries at the bar. Oscar watches the gas station and doesn’t burn it down (almost, but not quite).
Best lines/scenes: “Chives on top of me?” (Alice, the librarian) Brent with his pants and back of his shirt shredded.

S01E05 – Grad 68 – Karen starts investigating the cold case of graffitti on the water tower, which she solves! Meanwhile Lacey tries to get a column at the Howler.
Best lines/scenes: “Oh no, no more writing for me. I just want to direct.” (Hank) Scene with Julie Stewart, “I don’t have all the answers!” (paint store clerk)

S01E06 – World’s Biggest Thing – Hank gets the idea to make “the world’s biggest something” to promote tourism. A committee brainstorms and when Fitzy’s grandma suggests the world’s biggest hoe, no one can bring themselves to tell her what else it means.
Best lines/scenes: “A big dirty hoe!” (Brent)

S01E07 – All My Ex’s Live in Toronto – Steven, Lacey’s ex-fiance comes to town, and as Hank hatches a plan to scare him off, he spins a story about him being Colchek the Night Stalker. Meanwhile, Emma bugs Oscar to go to the doctor.
Best lines/scenes: “Don’t point your pickle at me.” (Brent) Brent and Lacey sharing a chili cheese dog. “No ridiculous schemes = Hank, do whatever you can to help me.” (Lacey) The backwards interrogation room.

S01E08 – Cousin Carl – Brent meets his nemesis head on and it all comes to head at the talent show. Hank does a magic act, Wanda does the decor and MC, and Lacey is the judge. Oscar starts brewing his own beer when Wes won’t give him a refund for his old bottles.
Best lines/scenes: “Wes won’t take them! I’m a senior!” (Oscar) “Geez Dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crow’s nest?… It tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon.” (Brent)

S01E09 – Cell Phone – Hank and Brent’s competition over who has the smallest cell phone goes over the top when one of them ends up with “a barbie phone” (Lacey), and Oscar gets hooked on The Claw.” Lacey gets rejected from the chamber of commerce, so she works to get the grain elevator declared an historic site. The only problem is, that’s where all the rats are coming from.
Best lines/scenes: “Let me answer a question with a question. Shut up.” “I’m hot! There’s a fuzzy lobster over there with my name on it!” (Oscar)

S01E10 – Comedy Night – The ladies of Dog River start a book club (plus Brent), and Hank mics the comedy night when a visiting comedian comes to town. He practices heckling and being heckled and takes it a little over the top.
Best lines/scenes: “I’m never sarcastic about sandwiches.” (Brent) “You can never leave the game.” (Brent and later, Lacey). Colin Mochrie

S01E11 – Hook Line and Sinker – Davis has aromatherapy, so Karen has to go fishing with Hank alone (and doesn’t sleep with him!). Brent gets the whole town to fool Oscar into thinking his mind is going (alfa-getti), and Brent and Lacey play word games on their highway sign.
Best lines/scenes: “You can’t spell with dinosaurs!” (Oscar)

S01E12 – Face Off – Hockey season is starting, and Brent gets an offer to play for a competing team. They all discover Lacey has an encyclopaedic knowledge of hockey, but are reluctant to take her on for the coach. Wanda announces the game, which Oscar and Emma miss because they are trapped in their car.
Best lines/scenes: “Our defensemen can’t skate backwards. That’s the crux of it.” (Brent) Wooden goal pads, “So you’re probably bringing forwards hard on the forecheck, pressuring your D into bad passes out of the zone.” (Lacey) “Practicing is good in theory, but in reality, it just tires us out.” (Hank) Sports Centre interview

S01E13 – I Love Lacey – Crazy antics happen when the gang from Dog River goes to a football game. Brent and Lacey run out of gas — twice — Wanda and Emma have to give their ticket away to avoid getting arrested for theft. Hank and Oscar get caught in the act of stealing Oscar’s deceased friend’s belt, so they end up in the slammer, where Davis also nearly ends up when he tries to buy football tickets from a hooker. Brent and Lacey nearly kiss, but when the moment has passed, Brent returns to his usual, clueless self.
Best lines/scenes: “She says she loves me.” (Tow truck operator)

Season 2

S02E01 – The Brent Effect – Oscar wants to buy an outboard motor from Hank, but he steals money from Emma, which gets him in deep water with her. Davis gets in trouble with Karen over firing his gun willy nilly. Lacey polls everyone in town and they all say he’s handsome and sexy.
Best lines/scenes: Davis talking nervously about shooting his gun. “Talk to Oscar. He’s the one who stole your money from your nightstand last Thursday while you were out with the church ladies getting ready for bake sale, I don’t know nothing about it.” (Hank)

S02E02 – Wedding Card – Emma finds an old Darryl Sitler card in the basement, and Brent discovers his parents were never married. Davis becomes the wedding planner from hell and Hank tries to win his Darryl Sitler card back playing knuckles. Lacey thinks Oscar can’t read because she overhears him sounding out a cat-sup bottle.
Best lines/scenes: “Daisy arch? You’ll never get me under one of those death traps.” (Oscar) Oscar and Hank looking each other in the eye to see if they’re mad at each other. Davis & the minister walking into the wedding rehearsal where everyone’s fighting.

E02E03 – Smell of Freedom – Davis regains his sense of smell after falling after a ladder helping Oscar with a cat up his tree. Lacey challenges Hank to Scrabble, who wins twice — he as a beautiful mind. Brent, normally clueless, tries to pay attention to those around him.
Best lines/scenes: “…bunch of do-gooders, telling me what I can and can’t set on fire.” (Oscar) Hank messing up the names of TV shows. Davis smelling the asphalt and the hood. “Just remember — money talks, but it don’t sing and dance… and it don’t walk.” (Oscar)

S02E04 – Whatophobia – The episode all about fears! Everyone discovers Lacey has globophobia (and Davis secretly), so Wanda tries to find out what her phobia is. Oscar takes up baking (not really — Karen does it). Oscar gets banned from the mini-putt, and then later Emma gets banned when she tries to defend him.
Best lines/scenes: The zombie bringing balloons to Lacey. “Being intimate with a sasquatch.” (Wanda) “You had me at pants.” (Davis) “I doubt that Battlestar Gallactica actually happened.” (Brent) Code for Code 10-19: trouble at the mini-putt.

S02E05 – Lost and Found – This is the Karen-hackysack episode, with the twists and turns of people “owing each other one.” Oscar takes up the hobby of picking up trash on the side of the road.
Best lines/scenes: “Prepositions are fun, aren’t they!?” (Wanda) “That’s because it’s the kind they use for practice. It’s like a blank. They improve their aim and nobody gets hurt.” (Oscar) “My footbag./It’s called a sock, Einstein.” (Oscar) “Some monkeys have strings…. string monkeys.” (Hank)

S02E06 – Poor Brent – Brent buys a big screen TV and then try to prevent Hank from finding out. Hank spreads the rumour that Brent is broke and Oscar and Emma have an epic fight — “no more free ride.” Lacey and Wanda get into a fight over jewellery.
Best lines/scenes: “You bet! What is she, a stripper or a wrestler?” (Hank) “Plus we can pee standing up” (Hank) “I know what a washing machine is!” (Oscar) Oscar using the bath mat as a towel.

S02E07 – Hero Sandwich – It all starts when Wanda thinks about getting a tattoo, and Emma offers to draw it for her. Fitzy decides the town needs a traffic light, and Hank and Oscar end up on the lam due to all their jaywalking tickets. Lacey invents a new sandwich, the Ruby Club, which becomes too popular for her liking.
Best lines/scenes: “Call before you dig.” (Oscar) Above the Law movie reference. “That’s pretty far-fetched. Left tun signals.” (Hank) Oscar hiding behind the toaster.

S02E08 – Security Cam – Brent gets a security camera and in time, Lacey, Karen and Wanda do skits for it. Davis gets a stun gun and Hank hounds him to zap him. Oscar and Emma go on a romantic holiday. The episode culminates in Oscar and Emma doing a little skit of their own — flirting — without knowing there’s a camera.
Best lines/scenes: “I can club you if you want.” (Karen) “Aah, been there, done that.” (Hank) Bullet resistant vests. Bed scene at the hotel. “You know there’s more to me than just a pretty boy tough buy cop.” (Davis)

S02E09 – Bingo Night – Karen has a week off due to a bad drug test result, and pretty soon Hank is competing with her for Brent’s hang-out time. Much to Emma’s dismay (and bad luck), Wanda takes over calling bingo,
Best lines/scenes: “I’ve been out-hung.” (Hank) Hank on the rebound, hanging out with Davis. Fitzy at a jazz exercise class.

S02E10 – Mosquito Time – The town prepares to bury a new time capsule; Lacey gets new coffee carafes, and everyone is plagued by mosquitoes until they realize Hank has some sort of special mosquito-repelling force. They think it is the lemon soap he uses to wash in, but it turns out to be his hat. Oscar works at the gas station for a few days and drives Brent and Wanda crazy instead of Emma.
Best lines/scenes: Hank’s brain with filing boxes in it. “What are you looking at.” (Brent, talking to carafes) “Licky disco?” (Oscar)

S02E11 – Hurry Hard – It’s curling season in Dog River! Davis tasks Karen with guarding the Clevette Cup, which ends up as a bacon-grease cup. Team Leroy splits into two, with Oscar skipping one team and Brent the other.
Best lines/scenes: “I’ll see you on the coloured circles.” (Brent) “Have a heart! Have a heart!” (Lacey)

S02E12 – An American in Saskatchewan – The town goes into upheaval when Wes gets an ATM, and pretty soon people are gathering around it, talking. An american stumbles into town and Hank gets appointed, then retracted. Canada jokes abound. Brent becomes goodwill ambassador in his place, and abuses his diplomatic immunity.
Best lines/scenes: “Hank, you know my rule about circus music.” (Lacey) “…Mush, mush!” (Hank)

S02E13 – Pandora’s Wine – Hank wins the lottery, salsa is racy, and Lacey stirs the pot by bumping Oscar and Emma into a new wine bracket. A revenge brunch is in order. Meanwhile, Davis is breaking in new shoes, taking it out on the whole town.
Best lines/scenes: “I told you I’m fine. Fit as a fiddle, twenty-three skidoo, I’m the cat’s pyjamas.” (Davis) “There. They nearly killed me.” (Emma) “Finder’s keepers, losie Susie.” (Oscar)

S02E14 – Doc Small – Lacey gets picked to show the new potential doctor around town, and it seems everyone has conspired against her. ONE OF THE BEST EPISODES!
Best lines/scenes: TOO MANY TO SAY!

S02E15 – Rock on – Brent, Hank and Wanda resurrect their high school rock bank, Thunder Face. Davis and Karen investigate Oscar’s claims that Dewey Macleod stole one of his songs and Lacey writes the history of Dog River for the town plaque.
Best lines/scenes: Scene of “where would we be today.” “Maybe Tony the Poh doesn’t know when he’s being ripped off!” Oscar, Tragically Hip, Colin James, “Rumble Stuff, Cloudy Puss… Tornado Face… You know, I’m pretty sue it’s Rumble Puss… Rumble Puss?” (Lacey)

S02E16 – Air Show – Brent has to shut down the gas station for a while because of a level 5 health hazard, meanwhile Lacey gets in trouble for staying open during the air show. She overreacts, as usual, as does Fitzy when there’s a rash of crime in town. He starts a bike patrol, which is tough for Karen because she can’t ride a bike. Hank opens a corn stand, hiring Wanda to help.
Best lines/scenes: “Stop the goose rash!” (Davis) Brent borrowing money from Hank. The Snowbirds!

S02E17 – Slow Pitch – Summer’s here and Corner Gas has a team, the Guzzlers, in the local beer league. Hank’s new glove is problematic, and Oscar’s third base signals are incomprehensible.
Best lines/scenes: “This coming from a guy who once punched a skunk.” (Brent) Scene with Wes at the bar – “he’s a lunatic!” “Don’t blame the glove. It’s me. My hamstrings are loose.” (Hank)

S02E18 – Harvest Dance – As Brent and Oscar try to out-do each other in making up excuses not to eat Emma’s jelly salad, the town prepares for this year’s harvest dance. Lacey can’t seem to keep her mouth shut, messing up Brent and Oscar’s secret, but ultimately playing into Karen’s plan to get a raise. To everyone’s surprise, Hank gets a girlfriend from Wollerton, and takes her to the dance, where Lacey is crowned “Harvest Honey.”
Best lines/scenes: where Lacey goes around at the dance, saying sorry to everyone who she blabbed about. Everyone spitting every time Wollerton is mentioned.

Season 3

S03E01 – Dress for Success – Hank and Oscar play the stock market, meanwhile Wanda tries to see if Brent’s male instincts are still intact — wearing a skirt, brooch and make-up to work. Lacey’s dishwasher breaks down, and after Emma helps her out, soon they are at odds. Karen makes Davis queasy and to get her back, he plays a bunch of practical jokes on her.
Best lines/scenes: “Fine, I’ll give you your imaginary cash. Hold my monkey.” (Brent) “I’ll be on the corner of easy street, and … something good avenue.” (Oscar) “… weed weasel, weed witch, weed wizard… mmmmmulch monkey? Garden gremlin?” (Wanda/Emma) “You’re fakerupt?” (Brent)

S03E02 – Key to the Future – Davis loses his keys, Lacey rocks the boat by changing water pitchers, Equal, and waitress pads. Lacey, risking looking eccentric, decides to fix the pothole on main street, and Hank starts having premonitions. Karen locks her keys in the trunk, and Oscar eggs Lacey on and then heckles her while teenagers fix the pothole. Hank predicts something bad happening to Emma, and she spills the tomato juice.
Best lines/scenes: “… then the door opens to our old foes, chaos and anarchy. Plus, I like people to like me.” (Davis) “You have five seconds to make my skin stop crawling.” (Brent) “I mean, maybe there’s some higher power using me as a tool. ” (Hank) “Hank is Phycic… contunied on page 3” (Howler)

S03E03 – Dog River Vice – Hank gets an electronic organizer, which he ends up using to keep Karen and Davis’ ride-a-long schedule on track (it becomes a taxi service). Meanwhile, Brent and Emma go head to head giving up their vices: coffee and knitting. Oscar and Emma take up Ukrainian dancing — and everything Ukrainian — and Lacey tries to help Brent function without coffee. Wanda spends the episode spouting fairy tale puns.
Best lines/scenes: Oscar trying to knit. “[beep-boop beep-boop] Be right back. Bathroom break.” (Hank) “Ah, tell it your pumpkin, Rapunzel.” (Wanda) Hank drinking a beer according to his electronic organizer. Emma dancing with her purse on her arm. “Decaf? … I’m not just jonesin’ for some hot, brown liquid.”

S03E04 – Will and Brent – Lacey gets overly fastidious about her new bulletin board; Karen and Davis get a new breathalyzer that plays chimes when it works. Hank is his usual annoying self, getting between Brent and his parents and hogging the breathalyzer. Oscar and Emma make a will which may or may not give Brent their great couch.
Best lines/scenes: Oscar and Emma’s legal will kit commercial. “Then you’ll have a ball of yarn and two hats.” (Wanda). The Leroys riding a three-person bike, and playing twister. The big cheque with Oscar donating his fortune. “So where is the axe and the mask come in?” (Hank)

S03E05 – LIttlest Yarbo – Dog River gets a fire department, and Hank tries to prove that a stray dog is the Littlest Hobo. Lacey and Brent order travel mugs. Oscar lights a pile of leaves on fire, but, of course, the fire department is nowhere to be found.
Best lines/scenes: “The dog hears voices?” (Oscar)

S03E06 – Mail Fraud – Wanda and Hank are jealous, but Lacey can’t understand Brent’s annual “staycation.” The potluck stresses Karen out because she wants Davis to cook, meanwhile Emma and Oscar get a computer and start learning about email. Karen ends up helping everyone in town make food for the potluck and forgets to bring napkins.
Best lines/scenes: Ian, the computer geek kid who helps Oscar. “I put the gigabits into the floppy drive and, boom.” (Oscar) “He’s got the bug spray right beside the cooking spray. That’s got lawsuit written all over it.” (Wanda) Various mangled techno-lingo.

S03E07 – Fun Run – Wanda, Lacey and Karen decide to train for a 5K run, meanwhile Hank trains to be a crossing guard. Oscar convinces Doc Russell to give him handicap license plates. Emma enjoys parking close to things. Brent tries out 60’s beatnik phrases.
Best lines/scenes: “Look, you wanna talk or get gooned?” (Oscar) Hank taking the stop sign test. “Being disabled — best thing that ever happened to me.” (Oscar) Hank with sunscreen on my nose. Brent stretching his windshield wipers. Oscar wearing a sweat band on his forehead. Special Guest: Jan Arden.

S03E08 – Trees a Crowd – Hank and Brent retake their treehouse, thanks to Hank’s front end loader. Karen teaches Lacey how to do kung fu. Wanda gets out of the back seat of the cop car. An old flame comes on to Oscar… and Lacey tries to give advice to Emma.
Best lines/scenes: “I don’t swoop. Idiots swoop.” (Oscar) Scene near the end where Wanda is working at the till with handcuffs on.

S03E09 – Picture Perfect – Brent gets a new camera, Karen tries to teach Davis how to gamble, and Paul, the bar owner installs a trivia game. Hank teams up with Lacey, and Wanda teams up with Davis. Oscar steals a gnome from the neighbour next door, one that looks a lot like him.
Best lines/scenes: “We know all stuff!” (Hank) Celtic music that plays when Oscar looks at the gnome.

S03E10 – Safety First – Oscar kicks the ladder down, so he and Davis get stuck on the roof, while Hank tries to reinvent himself when he realizes he isn’t a Virgo. He ventures into the realm of “accountancy.” Karen recruits Brent and Wanda to work on her bike safety colouring book .
Best lines/scenes: “My whole life I’ve had the wrong personality.” (Hank) “I didn’t know you were having medical problems.” (Karen) “…and I’m sure you’ll be satisfied with the fiscaliness.” (Hank) Ted the bus boy. “Fudgee-puppies are for closers.” (Fitzy)

S03E11 – Hair Loss – Wanda scores an elephant lamp, which turns out to belong to Emma. The big showdown takes place while Davis tries to pawn off his large stuffed fish. Oscar thinks Lacey does magic tricks– illusions, mostly. Lacey teases Brent about losing his hair — and teases his hair!
Best lines/scenes: Painy the clown. “Don’t let gossipy geese get your goat.” (Lacey) “Your desk, your fish.” (Davis)

S03E12 – Ruby Newsday – Hank loses his paper route to Oscar, which inspires Lacey to start a coffee shop newspaper. She thinks the trivia is great, but Hank says people prefer Brent’s cartoon. This leads to a series of tip jars and Wanda acting creepy trying to win people’s tips.
Best lines/scenes: “You’re taking the food out of your own mouth.” (Oscar)

S03E13 – Merry Gasmas – Lacey decides to go back to Toronto for Christmas, but ends up all over the country and then back in Dog River. Hank convinces everyone to donate gifts for a needy family. Wanda gets in a gift-craze for Transfarmers.
Best lines/scenes: “Take me with you.” (Brent) Transfarmers! “It’ll be just like when Frosty got his nose and he was able to lead the sleigh.” (Hank) The ambulances of Christmas

S03E14 – Friend of a Friend – Lacey’s friend Connie is incredibly rude to everyone. Wanda invents a customer rewards program, which has everybody comparing levels — prestige, elite, gold elite, titanium, platinum… Karen thinks she’d be good at undercover work.
Best lines/scenes: “Ooo, I wanna do it! Pick me! Pick me!” (Wanda) Hank playing himself singing folk songs on the mini tape player. “Plutonium! Platypus! Geranium!” (Oscar’s flashback)

S03e15 – Block Party – As part of Dog River’s centennial celebrations, Hank decides to make a scale model of the town — using LEGO bricks. Soon, he has every block in town. Meanwhile, Wanda throws herself a birthday party, Karen reveals her sport (static apnea),
Best lines/scenes: Davis miming rhythmic gymnastics. “This is an 8-block! Where’s your head at, Brent? This is a load-bearing wall!” (Hank)

S03E16 – Physical Credit – Wanda gets in a tizzy when she gets rejected for a credit card that Hank got. Hank, of course, brags about his card. Meanwhile, Karen tricks Davis into thinking he needs to pass a physical, and Oscar becomes his trainer. Davis goes from reading Hardy Boys books to doing Participaction. Brent and Lacey have a contest to see who’s a better confidant.
Best lines/scenes: “All that matters are story and character. Production values aren’t important.” (pushes microphone up) (Wanda) After Participaction song — “I don’t want to do it.” (Davis) Oscar timing Emma’s knitting with a stop watch.

S03S17 – Telescope Trouble – Wanda tries to find a safe place for her telescope, meanwhile Brent’s door needs fixing. He gets accused of being a fiddler by Lacey’s door guy, Terry. Emma and Oscar buy an RV, and they end up parking outside the police station.
Best lines/scenes: “Coffee already tastes like coffee. A LOT.” (Brent) Davis singing Kumbaya.

S03E18 – Bean There – Hank takes Wanda to a lamborghini BBQ where she has to pretend she has one. The Ruby gets overrun with truckers, and while Oscar bugs one for a ride, Davis complains about them. Brent, Emma and Karen put together a bean jar fundraiser to buy new equipment for the play park. Davis ends up befriending the truckers and telling them that Lacey only has 6 weeks to live.
Best lines/scenes: how bad the play park is. “…but the humidity is very high today, and the UV index–” (Davis) The trucker who cries and runs from the room. “Come on! clint Eastwood didn’t keep his monkey waiting!” (Oscar)

S03e19 – Road Worthy – Lacey decides it’s time to get a new car, so she takes Brent along to help so she won’t be intimidated. Hank bugs Karen and Davis about eating donuts, so they switch to muffins. Oscar asks Wanda for help picking out an anniversary gift for Emma, while Oscar’s present, sunglasses, goes traveling around the episode. Lacey ends up taking Hank to the car dealership to get the best deal.
best lines/scenes: “Hey, Guff Brooking.” (Brent) “The fake reverend is right.” (Brent)

Season 4

S04E01 – Hair Comes the Judge – Wanda starts acting as the town judge, like Judge Judy, in a case between Lacey and Hank. Hank didn’t stain the deck after Lacey paid him. Karen cuts Brent’s hair, and Oscar drives around town with a broken muffler.
Best lines/scenes: ” Wuffy and scraggly… Bescuffie and rumplish…” (Brent) “Dinglenuts, dinglehank” (Wanda) “Cold, then hot, then cold hard cash?” (Brent)

S04E02 – Dog River Dave – Emma orders take-out and messes with the whole town. Hank delivers and Wanda takes over managing the take-out service. Karen and Davis work-to-rule. A radio host makes fun of Brent on the radio.
Best lines/scenes: “… ungrateful ungrates… ingrateful ingrates.” (Oscar)

S04E03 – Two Degrees of Separation – Lacey convinces Oscar and Emma to get a new thermostat, which Hank installs, and it causes continuous fighting about the temperature in the house. Davis installs a security decal (sticker) at Corner Gas but it’s too high up to read Wanda’s height. Karen discovers Lacey had an expired out-of-province driver’s license, and Emma is the part-time tester.
Best lines/scenes: “That sticker is all that separates Brent from being shot and beat up by someone he doesn’t even know the height of.” (Davis) The whole sequence where Hank sets the thermostat the first time. “El-Salvador-like heat… The hot part of Japan… the hot part of Greenland!” (Oscar)

S04E04 – Just Brent and his Shadow – Lacey and Brent have job shadows, and Hank gets a fondue set at a garage sale. Oscar starts showing interest in Wanda when Emma starts being nicer to him.
Best lines/scenes: “So, fondue accident?” (paramedic)

S04E05 – Demolition – Hank agrees to demolish a barn, and convinces Brent and Oscar to help, while Oscar competes with Davis (and sort of Karen) to become Newsmaker of the Year. Lacey does Emma’s nails in exchange for flowers. Wanda is unofficial photographer for the gang, due to her professional-looking photos of grain elevators.
Best lines/scenes: Hank imitating dynamite “pfft, boom!” (Hank) Howler headline “Cop Naps Barely Thief.” Oscar blowing up a salad. “Walk the juice to it!… Give ‘er sneuse!” (Hank) Guest appearance by Adrienne Clarkson

S04E06 – Jail House – The police department does a fundraiser locking Davis in a jail cell, where he nearly goes crazy with Hank keeping him company. Lacey tries to spruce up The Ruby and Corner Gas with flowers and incense. Wanda tries to make a little money doing renos at Oscar and Emma’s.
Best lines/scenes: Hank’s almost-soliloquy: “I’m not going to leave ya…. Karen and this charity have driven you to the point of madness, where you lash out at me. I’m not going to leave ya, buddy, not when your mind is starting to comprehend the cage.” “Now I know these things are supposed to come hidden in a cake, but time’s a-wastin’ and I don’t know how to bake.” (Hank) Brent handing tools over the counter, “I’m on a roll.” “Now what is wrong with a little citrus brambleberry eucalyptus potpourri?” (Lacey) Guest appearance by Mike Holmes (from Holmes on Homes)

S04E07 – I, Witness – Wanda helps Karen with a police presentation about eyewitness testimony, while Lacey becomes Oscar’s replacement as Emma’s bridge partner. Hank has an epiphany (two!) about being a rodeo clown, where he ends up saving Lacey from telling Emma the truth.
Best lines/scenes: “What, give up my dream?” (Hank, referring to being a rodeo clown.) Scenes where bridge terminology is “blah blah blah.”

S04E08 – Blog River – Hank starts a blog, Lacey gets depressed because of a friend’s success, but everyone conspires to cheer her up by getting Oscar to throw a game of horseshoes so Lacey can be “the Horseshoe Queen.” Wanda does Davis’ taxes, and doesn’t save him any money.
Best lines/scenes: “You don’t throw horseshoes! I mean, you throw horseshoes, it’s the nature of the game, but you don’t throw the game.” (Oscar)

S04E09 – Outside Joke – Fitzy hires Hank as a temporary garbage man, shortly after Karen and Davis tell Brent his business is outside the boundaries of Dog River. Everyone in town is in an outrigger over the red bug washer juice. Karen tries to teach Davis how to do a proper practical joke, while Emma and Oscar try to hide the extra money the bank gave them.
Best lines/scenes: “…we prefer janitorial, I mean custodial worker. Civic custodial worker engineer technician… Just wham, bam, thank you Orville. ” (Hank) “You pulled an impractical serious.” (Karen) “Brent and his devil-juice.” (Fitzy’s grandma) “Sanitorial janitation technologist.” (Hank)

S04E10 – One Piano, Four Hands – Emma starts teaching piano lessons again, and her first two students are Wanda and Davis. Davis is a natural and Wanda, not so much. Meanwhile, when the air pump at Corner Gas breaks down and Brent gets a new one, he takes a bit of flack for charging for air. Lacey slips and breaks her arm, which Hank gives her advice on, and Karen avoids signing it.
Best lines/scenes: Emma and Wanda in a wrestling ring (Emma taking Wanda on). “I can’t guarantee we won’t be back with torches,” says Davis, “and marshmallows” says the big serious dude. “He’s always been a slave to the big air companies.” (Hank)

S04E11 – Kid Stuff – Emma gives Brent’s old kids stuff away to Hank, after Oscar realizes he’s on an allowance. He tries to make some extra money by selling cookies — like a little girl — and Karen ends up helping him. Davis bugs Lacey over and over again until she lets him order macaroodles. Emma takes up sewing again, by fixing Brent’s pants and sewing him a groovy polyester suit.
Best lines/scenes: “Holy Hell! I’m on an allowance!” (Oscar) “… as dangerous as a badger in a rain barrel. I can’t stop!” (Wanda) Scene where the boy asks Davis through the window “what do I want to drink” and Davis replies, “coffee.” “Where’s my money, Leroy?” (Molly, girl scout)

S04E12 – Mother’s Day – Brent drops the ball on Mother’s Day and doesn’t get Emma anything. Oscar lives a dream life — nothing he does can get him in trouble. Karen and Wanda buy a Yagenpluts.
Best lines/scenes: “I got a Yagenpluts! / Well, don’t do it in here.” (Karen/Lacey) “…it’s you screwing up, and Hank sucking up, it’s formed some kind of magic sweet spot! I’m flying under the radar! These are the best days of my life!”” (Oscar)

S04E13 – Census Sensibility – Police jokes abound as Hank and Oscar get hired to take Dog River’s census. After Karen and Davis stand by while Hank chokes on a pickle, they get sent for first aid training. Lacey misinterprets their weekend away together, and Davis giving Karen earrings, to mean that they are dating. Brent and Wanda start selling pressed bars of soy from Uzbekistan (Organo bars). Then Emma thinks Lacey and Davis are together.
Best lines/scenes: “What’s this, the 8th time? / First time with a pickle. Er, sweet pickle.” (Brent / Hank) Romantic scenes of Davis and Lacey. “I’m a loose cannon, I can’t control me.” (Oscar)

S04E14 – The Good Old Table Hockey Game – Davis gets a table hockey game, and soon, Karen and Brent are battling it out in the “Table Hockey Summit Series.” Meanwhile, Lacey nominates Emma for the Dog River Youngish Women’s Association award, and then has to try make her look good.
Best lines/scenes: The conversation about distinguished woman. “I’ll show that stuck-up cop who’s a knob!” (Oscar) Close up of the players at the end of the series.

S04E15 – Lacey Borrows – Karen and Lacey start a chain of borrowing each other’s stuff that culminates in Karen borrowing Lacey’s house and Lacey borrowing the cop car. Emma and Oscar decide they need to make Brent a man by showing him his first horror movie, and they all spend the rest of the episode freaked out. Rather than getting a wallet, Hank starts collecting things in his pants.
Best lines/scenes: “I’m fully loaded to pant capacity.” (Hank) “Your sentences are like quilts.” (Brent) “It’s these pants! They’re never satisfied… I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. There’s just no pleasing these pants!” (Hank) Scene at the end where Hank throws his pants into a wood chipper.

S04E16 – Potato Bowl – Oscar gets in trouble with the Harvester’s club when he doesn’t pay dues or into the kitty for coffee. He, Davis and Karen start their own club. Lacey tries to teach Hank some toastmaster’s/public speaking tips (with a pork chop on your face). Wanda breaks Emma’s potato bowl, but finds them on bay for cheap.
Best lines/scenes: “And that’s not embezzled!” (Hank) Scene with Karen, Davis and Oscar driving little cars. “I was just doing what you told me to do, I was embroidering.” (Hank)

S04E17 – Seeing Things – Brent tries to fake getting laser eye surgery, meanwhile the DRPD (Dog River Police Dept) gets a new slogan — No Crime Too Small. Oscar makes sure Karen and Davis stick to it. Hank steals slogans from Emma for Corner Gas and the Ruby, too.
Best lines/scenes: “No! No warrior princesses!” (Karen) Brent imagining laser eye surgery. “Raisins!? Book this dirt bag!” (Oscar, after telling Fitzy how to make banana muffins) Scene with Brent trying to put contact lenses in. Wanda and Lacey doing “schemy fingers.”

S04E18 – Happy Campers – It’s time for Oscar and Brent’s annual camping trip, and Davis worms his way along. While they’re away, Lacey and Wanda switch jobs, and Emma and Karen end up helping them. After 20+ years, Hank finally has a good hair day!
Best lines/scenes: “It’s the one where the bunny goes down the hole. It’s a sailor’s knot.” (Oscar) TOO MANY OTHERS TO SAY

S04E19 – Gopher it – Hank’s idea of prairie dogs (gophers!) to attract tourists to Dog River changes everything. It’s campaign time for the mayor, Fitzy. Emma decides to run against him on the platform of bringing a casino. Features Canada AM (Wanda flirting) and Stephen Harper (prime minister)! Lacey leaves, Brent sells Corner Gas, and Emma is mayor.
Best lines/scenes: Oscar and Wanda in Pump N’ Go uniforms, Blue Rodeo song

Season 5

S05E01 – Cable Excess – When the cable company comes to town, Brent gets to pick which show will be produced. Davis wants to do Crimestoppers, the ladies want to do a talk show, and Oscar, well, he’s just Oscar. After egging the cable van, Hank spends the episode hiding from the police. In the end, it’s a scene of the horizon…
Best lines/scenes: “Where’s the gotcha? Where’s the water cooler?” (Oscar) “I have this pet who egged the cable van.” (Hank) Bad movie references by Hank, Davis flirting with Brent, “It’s no fire log, that’s for sure.” (Lacey) “Be quiet!” (everyone else)

S05E02 – Spin Cycle – Karen and Davis sign up for Hank’s spin class, where Karen accidentally becomes the teacher’s pet. Meanwhile, Wanda gets a new cordless phone for Corner Gas which Oscar steals and uses as a cell phone, and Lacey agrees to be in Emma’s “Ladies of Dog River” naked fundraising calendar.
Best lines/scenes: ” Scene from The Breakfast Club at the end (Hank & Karen)

S05E03 – Whiner Takes All – It’s golf time, and Hank, Lacey and Brent take to the links. When Lacey wins, Hank whines Emma goes shopping for a new bed and comes home with a “slumbermatic” luxury model and dreams about Lloyd. Wanda bribes Davis to get out of a parking ticket, but it doesn’t work on Karen.
Best lines/scenes: “…losers and those who lose to losers. And you just lost to me!” (Hank) “Gotta go. My soup is here.” (Oscar)

S05E04 – Dark Circles – Hank decides to freak people out by making crop circles (dirt circles) and Brent freaks people out with a new, black shirt. Lacey drools a little over Black-shirt Brent, Wanda teases her, and Karen makes her own burnt crop circle. Oscar moves out when Emma hires a painter, and the whole town is abuzz about their “separation.”
Best lines/scenes: Emma hallucinating the painter is a vampire. Hank making lawn circles. “Does Davis know you’re wearing his pants?” (Hank) “Okay, I thought it was an exploding cow at first, but you set me straight.” (Hank) “Never mind my muffins.” (Brent)

S05E05 – Wash Me – Hank doesn’t want his truck washed, and Wanda flirts with the milk delivery guy. Oscar and Emma switch toiletries, so Brent thinks his smell is off. Karen draws sketches of Davis sleeping, so Lacey has an art show.
Best lines/scenes: “Is Mom here? Cuz I a kinda smell Lavender, Berry bouquet… Peach sensation, mountain rain…? Citrus breeze?” Later “Musk splash, arctic breeze… aqua sport… Mountain mist” (Brent) Scene where the boy scout smells Emma walking by… “Want a wash?” (Boy Scout) Oscar puts hair remover on his head.

S05E06 – The Eight Samurai – Wanda fills in for Phil at the bar, causing all kinds of problems, while Lacey tries to convince Brent to be kinder to the environment. Meanwhile, the twinning committee gets a samurai sword from Japan, and everybody uses and abuses it: Oscar cuts branches, Josh cuts sandwiches, Davis cuts paper. Hank helps at the bar, mixing appalling drinks in hollowed out potatoes.
Best lines/scenes: “Compostage … How about I just try not to step in any carbon?” (Brent) Drinks for Swinging Cats (the book) “That’s great if you want to get drunk and swing cats.” (Wanda) “We don’t want another Hankenvyorken.” (Oscar) The RCMP musical ride checkstop!

S05E07 – Buzz Driver – Hank gets Lacey to use his advertising board and Oscar drives school bus. Wanda gets all hopped up on the H (Haywire). Karen knocks out Davis with a punch.
Best lines/scenes: Kids with their noses on the windows of the bus. LOTS MORE

S05E08 – Classical Gas – The mayhem starts when the Leroy’s foster child, Jonathan, comes from Africa to thank them for sponsoring him all those years. Emma treats Jonathan like a little kid and Oscar can’t stop bragging about his doctor son. Lacey tries to introduce new items on the menu, but no one bites until she starts calling them “classics.” Karen breaks Corner Gas’ till, and Wanda reveals she can’t do basic math.
Best lines/scenes: “yeah, somebody’s got to pump gas for the healers.” (Lacey), Hank bouncing off Brent in the bar, “It’s just a ball of string.” (Hank)

S05E09 – Game, Set and Mouse – Davis helps Oscar help Wanda trap a mouse in Corner Gas. Hank and Brent invent a game where they try to get someone to believe something unlikely, which Lacey can’t seem to do properly. Karen and Emma try to cure Wanda’s sore back, using amateur chiropractics and hillbilly paste.
Best lines/scenes: “I prefer the kill and flush method.” (Oscar) “Holy hell, what’s that stink! Smells like you’re boiling fish heads in gasoline.” (Oscar) The ultimate mouse trap (the game), Brent and Hank giving Wanda the bumps.

S05E010 – Knit Wit of the Month – Hank takes up knitting as a hobby with Emma and her friends, only to discover that Emma just bitches about Oscar all the time. Lacey gives Josh an “Employee of the Month” award, Brent gives himself “Employer of the Month,” and Wanda becomes “Customer of the Month.” Oscar writes the seniors beat and Karen and Davis end up helping him.
Best lines/scenes: “It got cancelled. There was a derailment. No one was hurt.” (Emma) “Yes! Customer of the Month!” (Wanda, dancing), Wanda as an obnoxious customer, Brent’s sandwiches (pickles and jam, olives and sour cream), “This isn’t a Disney film, this is Oscar.” (Karen), Emma helping Hank shovel manure, complaining about Oscar, with her purse on her arm.

S05E11 – Top Gum – Wanda works as a fake real estate agent, selling a house to Lacey and Davis, which they flip. Hank gets an old gum machine and soon he and Oscar are in competition with Karen’s gumball machine. Brent discovers he has his mom’s water divination abilities… only his work on finding sewage.
Best lines/scenes: Hank singing a gum jingle, “…water deviation…” (Brent), many nicknames for Brent: man witch, warlock, Mr. chilly jolt, crap man, “No, you’re a pretty face behind the big bubble.” (Hank)

S05E12 – The ‘J’ Word – Davis wants to experience being locked in a car trunk, but after his 7-second experience, he can’t stop talking about it. Lacey decides to have a girls night, and a tarot card reader tells her she is going to marry Hank. Brent challenges his dad’s constant use of the word “Jackass” by doling out “Hammerhead,” only to find he can’t stop. Oscar comes up with some great alternative put-downs, and Hank is a goof pretending to be Lacey’s fiance. Wanda decides to give girls night some ‘nards.
Best lines/scenes: “Oh yeah, Hank’s first name starts with R!” (Brent) Davis writing poetry, Oscar’s new insults: moron, pinhead, butthead, nincompoop, fish brain, cabbage breath, barn smell

S05E13 – Outside the Box – Oscar catches on to Wanda crashing funerals. Karen and Brent start obsessing over Lacey’s un-opened box. Fitzy hires Emma to promote getting a call centre; Davis and Hank start calling people to petition against a call centre.
Best lines/scenes: Hank tranq-darting someone to get their signature. “But I like my shoes.” (Oscar) “…some people died, we had a few laughs, and snacks… now it’s time to move on.” (Wanda) “Would you say the quality of this call was somewhat satisfactory, very satisfactory or extremely satisfactory?” (Davis)

S05E14 – Contagious Fortune – Hank contracts pinkeye, which he then gives to Wanda and Brent. Oscar uses the cops’ photocopier to copy Dog River dollars and starts buying stuff, including gifts for Emma. Davis starts copying Karen in food orders, and she starts copying everything he does.
Best lines/scenes: Oscar butchering the word “chip clip”, Brent and Wanda trying to give away a floor bar (the chocolate bar Hank used to scratch his eye). Lots of great horror references! Wanda banging her head on the window. “…breached the pedometer!” (Hank) **ONE OF THE BEST EPISODES!!**

S05E15 – No Time Like the Presents – Oscar leaks info on what Emma got people for Christmas. Hank tries to go to Daylight Savings, and Lacey gets all insecure about whether Wanda is her friend or not.
Best lines/scenes: The whole scene with Brent, Hank and Davis discussing watching a fight on TV: “Ten to be specific, nine to be Pacific.” (Brent) Oscar pretending to be a cop (wearing Karen’s hat and using Davis’ nightstick.

S05E16 – Coming Distractions – Everything gets uncomfortable between Brent, Davis and Hank when Hank blackmails Brent and Davis to take him to Raptorman 2. Oscar convinces Fitzy he needs a sidewalk, and Wanda strikes again. Meanwhile, Emma and her friends invite Lacy to join the purple hats.
Best lines/scenes: Davis wearing raptor claws. “Don’t people know how to keep cat-bags shut!” (Oscar), cement-surveilance 101, Lacey wiping something off Hank’s face. Space Frat Party 3

S05E17 – The Accidental Cleanist – Karen and Davis try to take advantage of Emma’s quirk: she starts cleaning things when she’s mad. Brent buys a tree as his legacy, which drives Oscar crazy, and Hank and Wanda spend time under Lacey’s deck.
Best lines/scenes: Hank and Wanda at the end with Wanda in a mustachio.

S05E18 – Bed and Brake Fast – Davis starts using Brent’s car as a ghost car, and pretty soon, Karen is using Wanda’s. Oscar and Emma start an unregistered bed and breakfast. Lacey bids on Hank as handyman-for-a-day, and he is mostly just a pain in the a$$.
Best lines/scenes: “Oh, yay, charades.” (Oscar)

S05E19 – The Final Countdown – Brent’s birthday approaches with much ado — 40-year-old scotch (which Hank drank), fireworks (which Wanda, Oscar and Davis set off), and two cakes baked by Emma and Lacey. Karen chases everyone around to get the birthday card signed.
Best lines/scenes: At the beginning, setting the clocks: “No, not now, then!” (Wanda) Guest appearance by Keifer Sutherland, Oscar baking fireworks in Lacey’s oven. All the stuff Oscar says after he loses his hearing!

Season 6

S06E01 – Full Load – Brent gives Emma his MP3 player, which Karen loads up with rap songs. Oscar gets away with murder, almost, because Emma can’t hear him with the “ear bugs” in her ears. Lacey’s competitive streak comes out when Brent enters her in an eating contest. She earns the perogy pig nose. Karen sells Hank’s truck to Wanda, and then vice versa, which starts an epic battle.
Best lines/scenes: “empty tree player… What station is this?… em bee pee player… MD2 player…” (Emma) “No, I’m not a pro. The pros know who I am.” (Brent) “I just ate 40 perogies in under a minute. Oh my God, I am a porker.” (Lacey)

S06E02 – Self-Serving – Hank wants to sell his laptop and before long, pits Oscar against Davis. Wanda tries to reinstate her status as rumour queen, starting rumours about Karen having a low IQ and Emma being an arsonist. Meanwhile, Lacey and Brent both discover the ups and downs of offering self-serve (and a buffet).
Best lines/scenes: Pyro and the Idiot

S06E03 – Bend it Like Brent – Brent and Lacey sponsor Davis’ soccer team, but soon become the “owners from hell.” Oscar and Emma buy a VHS tape with Wanda’s old news anchor audition tapes. Karen hits the ditch with Hank and makes Hank drive her around.
Best lines/scenes: Wanda being Winston Churchill.

S06E04 – Meat Wave – Karen and Davis win a meat raffle during a heat wave. Hank teases Brent about the air conditioner being cranked
Best lines/scenes: “You mean I put 5 sticks of butter down my pants for nothing?” (Hank) Scene where Lacey is giving compressions to “Darren” her electronic pet. “My buddy’s got a pound cake baking in his long johns. What do you mean what does that mean?” (Brent), Guest appearance by David Suzuki

S06E05 – All That and a Bag of Chips – Wanda tries to guess Hank’s password; Karen is a muffin-stealing cop, and Lacey and Davis just makes it worse. Emma and Oscar are fed up with Brent mooching all the time, so they decide to go to his house for supper.
Best lines/scenes: “He’s always over here moochin’. Drinkin’ our drinks, foodin’ our food… eaten’ our eats. He’s a no-good freeloader.” (Oscar)

S06E06 – Good Tubbin’ – Davis becomes Safety Pete to promote safety week, until Karen does it once and does back flips. Oscar and Emma get a hot tub, and Lacey learns they are creepy, frisky tubbers. Hank can’t stay at home — he backed through his front window — so Wanda tells Brent she is hosting him, but she’s actually just letting him camp at Corner Gas.
Best lines/scenes:”You drove here asleep? That’s not safe!” (Hank)

S06E07 – American Resolution – Hank, Wanda and Karen are all competing for bragging rights over who kept their New Year’s resolution the longest, unaware that Lacey was also in the running. Meanwhile, Davis has to learn how to make coffee and Brent and Emma — and half the town — trick Oscar into thinking he’s an American. They tease him about being too aggressive and perform goofy skits using Canadian terms for things — priceless!
Best lines/scenes: “This isn’t what it looks like.” (Hank, with a crow bar), Brent singing the American national anthem, Mr. Jackause at the passport office

S06S08 – Reader Pride – Brent, Lacey and Hank compete to be the best football fan, meanwhile, Karen has to read a book to Mrs. Carmicheal, with Oscar and sometimes Emma listening in. Davis starts making mix CD’s and Wanda gets in on the action.
Best lines/scenes: “Joe Dementia played baseball, jackass.” (Oscar) When Fitzy’s grandma asks Karen, Emma and Oscar to help at the seniors centre: “No. See how easy it is?” (Oscar) “No doubt” over and over again, with the high five (Lacey and Hank)

S06E09 – Rock Stars – Madame Wanza gets in trouble with Lacey when she gets caught scamming Davis for favours using the horoscope. After working out using an old army brochure, Hank starts “working out” with Emma in her garden — but mostly, he’s all talk. Brent takes guitar lessons from a young man who becomes his nemesis, who is related to an old enemy of Oscar.
Best lines/scenes:”Guns, pipes, pythons… hey, easy easy, I don’t you they’re new.” (Hank) “How far apart are the contractions.” (Emma) “How long does it take to hand over one little hammer!” (Oscar) Special Guest Gordon Pinsent as “Corky”

S06E10 – Shirt Disturber – When Karen earns “Officer Second Class” ranking, Wanda gives her a sweater Lacey had donated to a thrift store. Wanda goes back and buys all Lacey’s donations and wears them just to bug Lacey. Davis sells a security system to Oscar and Emma, but it’s too hard for them to operate, so they install a “Casio.” Brent and Hank go to Regina to meet a Peter Moore, a famous comic book artist, where Brent embarrasses himself and Hank is surprisingly cool.
Best lines/scenes: Davis practicing his shpiel for the alarm company. “It won’t explode, it’s decaffeinated.” (Emma) “I like the ducks.” (Wanda)

S06E11 – Cat River Daze – This episode has a distinct Archie comic book theme! Lacey stages a dunk tank to raise money for Dog River Days — Hank and Davis fight for their turn to be dunked, one-upping each other to be the most-disliked in town. Emma bugs Oscar to catch a stray cat, and Oscar falls in love with it, so Karen helps by adopting it. Brent pretends to hurt his foot, but then later he does it for real.
Best lines/scenes: “…one of the worst can-related injuries he’s ever seen.” (Brent), Emma and Oscar using the lyrics from “The cat came back,” “Mittens! Mittens! I’ve lost my mittens!” (Karen) Band appearance by The Odds

S06E12 – Super Sensitive – After telling one too many blonde jokes, Davis gets sent for sensitivity training — and he comes back a different man, uh, person. Hank’s seven-year string of bad luck finally ends, but Lacey’s superstitions are starting to show… so, of course, Brent has to tease them. Emma gives her gym membership to Wanda, and then she wins the raffle for a big screen TV.
Best lines/scenes: Sensitivity training video montage, Oscar and Wanda having their photo taken, “Friday’s the thirteenth, gas truck coming, Brent’s third thing, do the math, carry the two equals boom!” (Hank) “You ready to be desensinated?” (Oscar)

S06E13 – TV-Free Dog River – Emma tricks the town into entering a contest to go without TV for a whole week. Oscar and Lacey soon team up to offer secret TV to people in the Leroy’s basement. Davis starts an all-jazz radio station, which Karen ruins with cheesy sound effects. Brent sets up Hank and Wanda to fight each other and watches through a window, calling it “The Hank and Wanda Show.” It doesn’t take them long to sell out to advertisers!
Best lines/scenes: “A little Punky Brewster?” (Oscar), Wanda with her hair all done up (to advertise), Guest appearance by Michael Bublé!

S06E14 – Queasy Rider – When Wanda gets her aunt’s moped, she pretends she’s cruising Europe, while Emma goofs up Hank’s classy French greeting — the double kiss — resulting in a brief bumping of the lips! Lacey tricks Davis into helping her move, and he in turn tricks Karen into helping. Brent runs over Wanda’s moped, leaving it slightly scrambled.
Best lines/scenes: “It was a riding mower… I had to start it for him. He was afraid of the grass clippings hitting his legs.” (Emma) “I’m still releasing the safety.” (Karen) Hank imagining the kiss, “You did what with my wife?” (Oscar), Wanda and the Italian hit men, Hank fist-bumping Karen in the face

S06E15 – R2 Bee Too – Hank gets a robot, Davis orders R2D2 off ebay, Wanda and Oscar try to get rid of a bee hive, Brent starts trying new foods and becomes a food critic.
Best lines/scenes: ” Ooo, that’s heaven in a tube.” (Brent). Hank dances like a robot at the end.

S06E16 – Crab Apple Cooler – Brent and Hank try to relive their youth by invading Old Man Hafford’s yard to steal crab apples. Wanda puts her scathing wit to good writing consumer complaints to Crispy Spuds and, on behalf of Davis, Zoinks Cola. To pass the time, Lacey, Karen, Emma and Oscar start playing charades, where Oscar proves to be surprisingly good — at cheating!
Best lines/scenes: “… and may you all roast in hell. Respectfully yours, Davis Quintin” (Wanda) “When I was one, I put my back out reaching for a rattle.” (Brent) “…and when you say ‘grab his apples’ –” (Brent) “Doopity Doo!” (Oscar, playing drunk charades)

S06E17 – Happy Career Day to You – Davis convinces Lacey to convert the Ruby into “Ruby-Lou’s House of Food,” and Emma substitute teaches a class of 10-year olds. Wanda and Karen try to empress the kids, meanwhile, Oscar, Brent and Hank play tricks on each other with a 30-year-old Dingle-Puff.
Best lines/scenes: “Press 3 if you’ve found an old dingle puff.” All the scenes where Oscar is pretending to have food poisoning!

S06E18 – Get the F Off My Lawn – Need I say more? The title says it all! 🙂 Besides the missing letters, Wanda is upset about the working conditions at Corner Gas, and Karen gets roped into judging a jam contest. When Emma doesn’t win, she goes a little Cujo-crazy.

S06E19 – You’ve Been Great, Goodnight – The series closer starts with a mystery — where does Brent go every Wednesday night? When the truth comes out, everyone overreacts in their own way! The ending? Brent’s not going anywhere, because everything he likes is right here.
Best lines/scenes: {sing-songy} “You have a girlfriend! Kissing, kissing up a tree!” (Lacey), the cop car hiding behind the surveillance bush, Hank pretending to talk to someone important, “I’m going to have to get you two different coloured tank tops.” (Wanda, with Kyle and Jared), “…zipped up on goofers.” (Oscar)

4 a.m. Yoga

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I love 4 a.m. yoga. I am not a major yogi, and I have enjoyed doing yoga at more normal times of day, but my latest pastime is 4 a.m. yoga.

To clarify, I am not getting up, out of my warm, comfy bed, at 4 a.m. to do yoga. For those of you who know me, you know how I detest mornings. I will never be one to get up early for yoga, or much of anything else. For one, my muscles are way too tight to do any yoga poses, and for two, in my grumpy state I might accidentally kill someone. So, for these and other reasons too pedantic to go into, I only do 4 a.m. yoga when I am working night shifts.

4 a.m. is sort of a witching hour, don’t you think? It’s that time when the night can go either way — get better or get worse, get crazier or get saner. By doing yoga, I can stave off the crazier for a little longer and I get to stretch and do something that is fun but that, honestly, I don’t usually make time for in a regular day. I mean, I could take a break at 4 p.m. any old day and do some yoga, but I’m usually busy doing something else, or I would rather go for a walk (and get ice cream or cheezies, but that’s got nothing to do with yoga).

Well, enough preamble. Let me get to the core of the issue: the real reason I enjoy yoga at 4 a.m. is because it is humbling. I am no yoga perfectionist, but when I do it at other times of the day, I can usually pretzelate myself pretty well and I pride myself on being able to do the poses fairly well. But at 4 a.m.? I am just grateful to be awake. I allow myself to be completely horrible at it. I am humbled by the demands it makes on me, and that I am actually pretty awful at it. My sense of balance is almost non-existent, which makes some of the standing poses hilarious. So, I am humbled and chagrined — I have to laugh at myself a little — by this strange 4 a.m. practice.

Now, I know this isn’t likely to catch on for yoga classes or whatever, but I do my yoga alone. I have never been to a yoga studio, and I’ve never taken any lessons. I’ve learned the poses I know from a couple of videos. Despite this sheltered yoga-life, even I have noticed there’s quite a bit of ego involved in this spiritual-practice-turned-exercise-routine. I mean, if you’re self-effacing, you don’t buy hundred-dollar pants to do yoga in. I just think it might be getting a little crazy, and my 4 a.m. yoga is a nice change to that. It’s humbling. Grounding. And it helps me get through the longest part of the night in a pleasant, positive way. Plus, I can wear fleece long johns, which are far more sane than hundred-dollar pants.

So, if you’re interested, join me in some 4 a.m. yoga! Just don’t actually join me — I don’t want you to see me wobbling around on one leg in ill-fitting fuzzy long johns. 🙂

The Big Thaw

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Spring is finally here. I know, it’s April, so you think I wrote this a month ago, but no, I didn’t. It’s been a cool spring — just what the Farmer’s Almanac said it would be, apparently — but it is really starting to get nice out now.*

As temperatures rise, one’s mind wanders to things of spring… the birds and the bees… snow transforming into mud puddles in that miraculous way it does each year… waxing poetical in blog posts…

Guess which one is the male? 🙂

Seriously, let’s talk about the birds and the bees. If you are teaching your children about them, are you really talking about how the males chase the females around, and how the males have all the pretty plumage (generally) to attract the females. The females choose their mate, according to the experts, by the colour of their feathers and display the males make. Some birds, mind you, mate for life, but I suppose the initial selection is done by plumage. And then what do you say when little Suzie asks “Mommy, what’s ‘mating?'” 😛

What about the bees? How would you explain to your child that the female bee has thousands of slave drone bees — all male — in her service? Their job is to collect food for the colony, and in particular, for her. She lays hundreds of eggs in time, all thanks to her slaves. I wonder if that’s why some little girls are “princesses…” They are practicing to be queens.

Hmm… I’m not sure how that all relates to men and women, culture and reproduction. You’ll have to excuse me; clearly, I’m feeling cheeky today! So, are men supposed to dance around and impress the women, in particular with their fancy clothes and groovy moves, as it is the world of birds? The female birds do the judging by appearances, contrary to our society where it is the males. I would love to see that reversed — it would be hilarious to see men primping in front of mirrors, painting their faces and wearing flashy clothes to get the attention of the women!

As for the bees, I don’t see how that would ever work. Thousands of men, working for one woman, without ever a hope of getting any, ahem, action with her… I just can’t see that working. Maybe, if they can keep a hope that they might be the chosen one…

Even though we joke about spring being the time for reproduction, it’s interesting to note that most children are conceived in the fall, when temperatures drop and men and women everywhere huddle together for warmth. Spring is the time we shed clothes and let our skin feel the sun, which I suppose leads to other sorts of activities of the huddling variety.

So there you go. Spring is in the air! Be careful, folks.

– – – – –

By the way, I have seen some new birds around — another sure sign of spring! A woodpecker flew by the window (I didn’t get a really good look at him to say what kind), and I saw a small flock of cedar waxwings last time I went snowshoeing. 🙂 There are also lots of snow buntings.

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*After writing this, it has snowed, rained, sleeted, the wind started howling, and the snow is now coming down sideways. Oh, well. Maybe we’ll just skip spring and go straight to summer…

The 7 Best Things I Learned from Star Trek

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I know “resistance is futile” when it comes to a borg invasion, but what else has that amazing world of Star Trek taught me? Here’s my take on the top 7 life lessons from Star Trek.

1. My friends don’t have to be similar to me. Look at Kirk and Spock. They are almost total opposites — about the only thing they have in common is their gender — and they are not only great friends but also work amazingly well together.

2. IDIC — Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combination. This is a Vulcan principle, and it teaches that the universe is beautifully diverse, splendidly complex and all those differences are to be celebrated.

3. Be willing to take a stand — even die for — your principles. Starting with Kirk, all the Captains of Star Trek have taught us this (plus many other characters). They have all demonstrated this time and time again.

4. On the other hand, cheat death as many times as possible. As with hypothermia, you aren’t dead until you are warm and dead. (You can be very cold and seem totally dead, but doctors can still warm you up and bring you back… up to a point.) Life might look very bleak, but you can still side-step death at the last split-second — often by exploding something, but don’t necessarily live by that last part. Avoid fatalistic thinking and keep looking for a way.

from Thefreckleycoops on Tumblr5. Keep your head on in a crisis. You don’t see Scotty panicking and running around with “kermit hands” (think of how Kermit the Frog flails his hands when he is excited). Be prepared, know what you are doing and be creative in your problem solving, even under pressure!

6. Don’t be so concerned about honour. Worf taught me that one, initially, as an example of what not to do. By inference, this extends into not being concerned about appearances as well, or about what other people think.

7. Society can function without money. This one may take us a while to figure out — hopefully not because of a World War III — but I think eventually we will stop valuing money and make the transition to a moneyless society. We will all simply do what we enjoy and receive materially what we need or want (within reason).

Thank you, Gene Roddenberry, for sharing your vision of the future with all of us. It’s a good one.

Got other ideas? Add yours in the comments!

Dancing with Joy!

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Check this out! As a follow-up to my previous post, this is amazing! It’s one of my all-time fav videos! A minute-and-a-half of pure joy! (Once their dance is over, you can stop the video.)

Now you can’t be bummed out watching that, can you!?! 🙂 Have a great day everybody!

Naming Places

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If you are ever responsible for naming something, please think twice before doing it. Don’t just go for a boring name — there must be 1000 places in Canada called “Long Lake” or “Hillview.” Places in the NWT, in particular around Wrigley, have some of the best names!

river in the NWT, viewed from C172
River Between Two Mountains (photo taken out the window of a small plane)

Wrigley River (It ain’t straight!)
Moose Pasture Creek
Fish Trap Creek
River Between Two Mountains (This is my favourite!)
Willowlake River
Gun Rapids
English Chief River
Ochre River
Bear Mountain Creek (Isn’t there a coffee company named after that? Or a soap company?)
Redstone River
White Sand Creek
Mud Lake (Gee, don’t you just want to go swimming there!)
Slim Lake
Blackwater Lake
Highland Lake
Greasy Lake (I wonder if there is oil seeping there…)
Willow Ridge
Trench Creek
Twin Fish Lake
Moose Lakes

Of course, there are some geographic features named after people:
Smith Creek
Hodgson Creek
Johnson River
Mount Steiner
Mount Gaudet
Camsell Bend, Mount Camsell and Camsell Range (Whoever this Camsell guy was, he got a lot of things after himself!)
Mount Kindle (named after the inventor of the ebook reader of course!)
Ebbutt Hills (I assume this was named after someone, or someone’s butt)
McGern Island
Iverson Lake
Carlson Creek

I keep hoping I’ll find a river named after me, but not yet… Or even a creek. Really, just a trickle. Or a pond. I’m not fussy!

There are also quite a few named in the local First Nations language. I wonder if these words are descriptive, or named after people?
Dahakaycho Lake
Paeentee Lake
Peekayo Lake
Nothaykay Lake
Klochotee Lake
Eentsaymeay Pond
Dathahneelee River
Dahadinni River
Eentsaytoo Lake
Notseglee Lake
Podaytayshe Mountain
Paynaychee Mountain
Nahanni Mountain
Dokale Creek
Shegonla Hills (Or is this Fringlish? “Where’d she go? She gon la.”)
Nodaday Creek (Not a day goes by I don’t miss my honey!!)
Soto Creek
Gashoday Creek
Tonaeenlee Lake

I wonder if some of those mean “place where mosquitoes hatch” or “river with slimy rocks on the banks” or “lake where the fish don’t bite.” If you have ideas, leave them in the comments! 🙂

I’m sure in the early days of Canada, the geographical surveyors got completely blasé about naming things, judging by some of these:
Dam Creek
Fish Lake
Cap Mountain
Table Mountain (There are two Table Mountains around here, and isn’t there one near Banff too?)
Lone Mountain
Twin Peaks
Willow Creek

So, if you are ever given the opportunity to name something, go for a good descriptive name*! Or, get a Native elder to name it for you, just make sure you find out the meaning (or you might end up with a name meaning “dumbest place on Earth” or “the Great Spirit wiggles its nose at you”).

*The above does NOT apply to naming children. Don’t name your kid Redface, Screamer, Head-Full-of-Hair, Chubby, Wrinkly, Baldy, Buttonnose…

Morning People

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My husband is a morning person. I am not. After careful observations of his strange habits and energy levels, I have made several conclusions.

alertness versus time for different people

He isn’t perky, alert and annoying first thing in the morning on purpose, it’s just the way he is. 🙂 And, we make a great partnership because

1. We agree that 3 pm should be nap time, and
2. When going on road trips, he drives the first part and I take over later on (when I’m fully awake)!

So I’m trying to be kind to him in the evening when he’s sleepy, remembering how I feel when I’m a zombie in the morning. 😛

annotated graph
That’s all for today! Have a great one! 🙂


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I came across this on the net — perhaps it was emailed to me — and just had to share it! Isn’t it the cutest?!? I’d love to know the story behind it…

I’m not sure what I love about it so much…. They are absolutely adorable with their little striped faces! But it’s more than that — they’re doing what they were born to do, and doing it vigorously! Can’t you just imagine their little webbed feet paddling along? And they don’t seem upset that their water isn’t very big — they’re just happy to be swimming!

Is it just me, or do they look confident, like they have some kind of secret? 🙂 A little more research says that they were rescued by a canoeist who saw them — they had been washed out to sea. The photo is by Richard Austin.

In other news… Last night, Darren and I finished the webpage for my book, Love Your Skeletons. Go on over and check it out. I’ll be adding a blog and podcast component later on… now to finish the layout! And buy some canoes! (Which I made a good contact for this weekend, so I am excited!)

Thanks, Darren for all your help! And thanks, Merri, for your endorsement!

That’s all for now — have a great day everybody!

Surviving Cabin Fever

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It’s been a while since I did a Top Ten, so here you go! 🙂 Perhaps others don’t have such a hard time with this, but I think it’s relevant for the season!

Teresa’s Top Ten ways to combat cabin fever when it’s been too cold for too long:

10. Get smashed. Go to your liquor cabinet, with a tall glass in hand, and pour one shot of each liquor — whatever you’ve got — into the glass. Add ice, if you like, and a splash of orange juice, coke, or grenadine, depending on your tastes. Drink one of these every hour until you can’t walk, talk or think. JUST KIDDING! Don’t do this! If you do, you’ll have the worst hangover ever! But I guess you wouldn’t be bored any more! 🙂 Seriously, it can be fun to invent a new drink, with just one or two types of liquor and have one or two with a friend.

9. Clean something. Ya, I know, it’s not a very fun one, but it’s a productive way of spending some time at home… tackle that messy hall closet or scary corner of the basement. Keep reading, I have better, funner ideas coming up!

8. Eat something. But not just anything… Scour your cookbooks or go online and make something wild and fantastic you’ve never made before. Like this chocolate cake (it took me three days to make last year!), these brownies (so strange yet soooo yummy!), or a spicy curry dish (one of my favourite meals). Maybe you’ll have to make a trip to the grocery store, but you probably have a lot of crazy ingredients at home that you could use. Check out the “leftover wizard” at Don’t be afraid to substitute ingredients if you don’t have what you need and you don’t feel like leaving the house. Then savour your creation!

7. Make something. If you’ve got a project half-done, finish it! If you don’t, check out the Make webpage and see if you’ve got something around the house that you can transform into, say, a guitar!

6. Grab a book. You probably have a few books (or 20) that you’ve bought or been given, that you just haven’t quite started yet. Grab one, and a nice warm beverage, cozy up in your favourite spot and read the afternoon away.

5. Play a game. If you’re home alone, I guess it’ll be solitaire or something computer-based. But if you have family or friends over, convince them it’s time for Twister, Wii, or get out the cards. Aggravation is one of my favourites, or Blokus. No doubt you’ve got something you can play… strip poker anyone? (Not to be played with granny.)

4. Learn a new hobby. Got something you’ve thought about trying? Why not do it now? You can find videos for almost anything online, so as long as your internet (and your furnace) work, you can do anything! You could learn to knit or crochet, do yoga, do tai’chi, make fishing lures, build something out of wood, learn photography, start a blog or podcast… your imagination is the limit!

3. Play music. Get out that guitar you haven’t played in months (or the one you just made) and learn some new chords. Or, if you find your house strangely lacking in musical instruments, go through your music collection, listen to something you haven’t heard in ages (your fav’s from the 80’s!) and just enjoy the tunes! Dance your heart out. Air-drum along, or use pots. 🙂

2. Get off your duff. Step away from the TV, or computer (not right now, as soon as you finish reading this), and get some exercise. Most of us have some form of exercise equipment around the house, and most of it is rarely used! Blow the dust off, get out the track pants, and burn a few calories. Don’t do it because you have to, do it because you’re bored silly — do it for your sanity! (I promise it will help.)

1. Do something fun outside. This is perhaps the hardest cure for cabin fever, but it’s also the most effective. Bundle up, wear double scarves, toques, mitts, whatever it takes, and go outside. If you’ve got equipment like cross-country skis, snowshoes, ice skates, or a ski-doo use it! If not, simply take a walk, go tobogganing (cardboard will work on a packed hill), make snow angels, or stomp out patterns in fresh snow. When you get back, you’ll be glad to be inside, cozy and warm!

The overall strategy for curing cabin fever is distraction. Distract yourself from the fact that it’s freezing and you’re stuck inside… that you’re bored or lonely… that it’s cold and only getting colder… 🙂 I hope this blog will help you distract yourself with something that’s mildly productive or fun (more fun than TV)!  🙂

I think I’ll do my next blog on how to dress for cold weather. It’ll be practical and fun, yet serious life-saving stuff! Check back in a couple of days!