Farewell February

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What a month this has been! As usual, time has been flying by, but this time, it hasn’t all been fun. Even though I’ve been taking Vitamin D faithfully and have been physically healthy, the “February blues” got to me a little worse than usual. I am not eager to blog about it, actually, because I don’t want to give it any energy, and putting it down in black and white is a little scary. But, you know me — if it’s scary, uncomfortable or challenging, I seem to be all over it.

So, I thought I would learn a little more about depression. It seems there are two main causes — internal and external forces. Internal forces include but aren’t limited to genetics. If you have family members who suffer with depression, you are apparently more likely to also suffer. I say “apparently” because I am not one to just accept or even believe what doctors tell me, or what is the “accepted truth.” There are plenty of things in science that are accepted as facts, but the power of the mind can really mess with science! I’m sure you heard of people who “were supposed to be dead” but survived anyway. Anyhow, the doctor I went to see asked me about these genetic factors, but in the end he thought it was probably more external or environmental in my case.

I’ve never been depressed before. I’ve been exhausted, stressed, sleep-deprived (I’m thinking about university here), achy, tired, but never more than one-day depressed (PMS, I must admit). I’ve never felt like I was really losing my mental abilities, except when I was sleep-deprived. That was not good! But, lately, I have felt stressed, frazzled and for the first time felt like my thoughts were thinking me. I’ve never had any trouble directing my thoughts to wherever I wanted to, thus improving my mood or manifesting something in my life, until now.

Let me tell you what I think I’ve figured out. I think that I have more tension than the knots in my neck. I have been experiencing tension between what I believe and what I am thinking/doing. So, my brain and energy is all messed up. Let me give you an example. I might tell myself that my worth does not depend on what I do or accomplish, and then I work myself to the bone anyway. Or, I believe that we are doing fine financially, but then all of a sudden, we can’t pay our bills. Or, I believe that Darren loves me, but then I get irritated by something he does (or doesn’t do). So, there’s a conflict inside me, and I think that it’s been gradually wearing me down.

So, here’s my strategy: I am going to make sure I spend some time every day reminding myself of what I truly believe, what is really true, and get myself in better alignment with what I want to be true. If something pops up that is in direct conflict with another belief, I am going to talk myself through it, kind of like Abraham-Hicks does. I’ve been listening to quite a few audio clips (via YouTube), and find that I can shift my thoughts in the same way, and I think this is the key — shifting, rather than trying to turn them completely upside down. Turning them upside down ends up feeling like denial, and that’s tension too. The shifting goes like this (self-talk)…

“Holy sh*t, I have a lot to get done today! I can’t believe I haven’t finished this project yet! I thought I would have this done TWO months ago! How could I have let it drag on this long?”
“Geez, I feel so overwhelmed. I have a LOT to do! How am I going to get it all done!? If the pager goes today, I’m screwed. I don’t have a spare minute, never mind a couple of hours for a fire call today…”
“Yeow, there are quite a few things on my plate today! Hopefully, the first three tasks will be quick and easy phone calls, and then I can buckle down to get some real work done.”
“Okay, there are 95 things on my to-do list. Realistically, I can probably do 10. No, make that 5. What 5 are essential? I can just do those and then see what time I have left…”
“Okay, T, there are only so many hours in the day, and that’s okay. You don’t have to do everything in the next 5 hours. Just pick a couple of things and do them. Then pick a couple more. The rest will follow.”
“There are things for me to do today, and there are things that I do not have to even think about today. Even though I might not address certain issues today, that doesn’t mean that the universe isn’t working on them for me. When I look at them tomorrow, they will be slick and easy to do, and then I’ll look at something else!”
“Hey, what fun stuff can I do today on my business? Some I can do, some will wait for another day, but it’s all good!”

See how I actually managed to change my perspective? But if I just leap to the last thought, it seems fake and I am just fooling myself (which doesn’t work)! 🙂 This whole crazy idea stems from the concept that if you aren’t happy about something, there is simply a contrast going on, and “rockets of desire” going out — as in “man, I really want to get this project that’s been lingering on for the last two months finished!” And wherever there is a desire, there is a way of fulfilling it. But if you won’t let yourself see or believe there’s a way, you feel unhappy. More on that another day!

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