Happy Valentine’s Day! It seems I’ve got love and relationships on my mind! I’ve been inspired to write two posts in about three hours, both about relationships with that special someone. This post is a follow-up to the previous one, about being alone and noticing a difference in yourself when you reconnect with that special someone.
Before you get married, move in with someone, or start to get “really serious” about someone, why not put your relationship through these four quick tests? These tests are best if they are done sooner rather than later in the relationship (as soon as you start getting “serious”).
1. How do you feel when you reconnect? As I described in my previous post, try taking a few days apart and then see how you feel when you reconnect with your loved one. There’s a chance you will feel like you have to “put a mask back on” when you reconnect after spending time alone. Do you feel like you have to act a certain way? Do you think you can keep up the charade indefinitely? What do you think will happen if your charade fails? What will he/she think of you then? Are you afraid of losing your pretense? Why? Please understand that I’m not saying there shouldn’t be any masks or pretenses — having a “persona” or mask is not unusual or necessarily wrong — just think about what yours is and if you are prepared to wear it a lot, or if it is a very big stretch for you (far from your natural personality).
2. Ask yourself what your mate’s flaws are. Yes, you’re in love, but make no mistake, your lovey-bunny has flaws. Big teeth. Big ears. A poofy tail. (Okay, enough about bunnies! I’ll be serious now.) Guaranteed there is something. Now, imagine that flaw is still there 2 years from now. Will it be bugging you? Now imagine that flaw is even worse in 10 years. Are you okay with that? Really? Because you must not assume it will get better. It will probably stay the same, and it could get worse. If that flaw is “he/she drinks a little too much,” think long and hard about how much you’d enjoy living with an alcoholic. Because if it’s a small problem now, don’t kid yourself that it doesn’t have the potential to get much, much worse.
3. You cannot change the other person. You’ve probably heard this before. We all agree on this. But if you could… what would you change? Think about it for a minute, write it down if you like, and make a list. Ha — caught you! Forget about it! You CANNOT change anything about the other person! Whatever you just thought that you would change, decide right now if you can or cannot live with this “flaw.” If you can, great — stop calling it a “flaw.” If you cannot, then figure out how you are going to end the relationship, soon. Because if it’s not going away and you can’t live with it, you have a catch-22, my friend. There’s only one happy way out — out.
4. Does he/she really love me? Here’s one way to test it: make up a completely hair-brained idea and then tell your lover all about it and see if he/she supports you in it. Don’t make it so wild it’s unbelievable. For example, you could tell your honey that you want to go back to school and become a chef, electrician, or whatever. Give a few details about what school you would go to, and act excited about this new direction in life. See what your honey does. Does he say “whatever you want to do, I’m behind you.” Or does he make fun of your new idea? If he makes fun of you, he’s not for you. You can even use this response as your one-and-only excuse to break up with him/her. You do NOT want to be with someone who makes fun of your ideas and won’t support you in your dreams. Why put up with that? If you are afraid to even try this exercise, because you know he/she would belittle you, then start thinking about how to get out of the relationship.
If your relationship passed the four tests, great! Happy Valentine’s Day to you! Do something special and loving… and don’t take your sweetheart for granted. Always believe the best. If your relationship didn’t pass the four tests, well…. you know what you have to do. You don’t have to do it today, however. Breaking up on Valentine’s Day is generally regarded as heartless and cruel.
I know, this is a bit simplified. I know, it might not work exactly like this for everyone. And it will be easier said than done, especially if you are only one week away from your wedding — ouch! Not a very good time to realize that your fiancé doesn’t support you (I’ve been there)! You’ll have to decide what to do. But don’t worry — whatever happens, it’s for your good and you’ll learn lots from it! 🙂
Abraham-Hicks clip about relationships that rocked my world!