Ok, I admit… I’ve been a bit of a hag lately. A bitch even, at times. Just for a few minutes, usually. Maybe longer. (Don’t ask Darren.) And I feel so bad when I am bitchy, I try to stop as quickly as I can, and then later, I wonder why it is I acted so hag-ishly, so that I can prevent it. I mean, my sweetheart doesn’t deserve bad treatment (no one does), so I’ve got to get a handle on why it happens and stop it!
So… what makes a woman into a hag? Is it purely chemical, from hormones? No, I don’t think so, although they can be a factor. I get pretty snippy when I’m hungry, so I usually try not to let myself get past “peckish.” But what about other times, when I’m not hungry? I’m sure there are some attitudes or thoughts that contribute to it. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and have some observations to share, not just about myself, but about others too (who shall all remain nameless)!
It sometimes begins when a woman starts to think and feel that she has to be the “responsible one” in the relationship. This could be because the man’s boyish qualities are well-developed — he likes his toys, wants to play with them, shirks any chores, avoids responsibility, doesn’t work around the house or whatever. A woman with this sort of partner subconsciously sees him as a child and then thinks she has to be the adult, enough for both of them. This makes her angry, because she feels she is pulling the load and may even start to “discipline” the man because of the child-view she has of him (and that he may have even worked hard to create).
In addition to this, a woman may just suddenly start to (or perhaps all along) see herself as better than her mate. If this happens, look out! Put-downs (subtle and not-so-subtle) abound… bad-talking her man in front of others… very nasty behaviour!
If the relationship is lop-sided in the guilty department, hagishness evolves almost automatically. What I mean is — some people naturally blame themselves for things that go wrong, and some people are inclined to blame others. If the man is the first and the woman the second… it’s a bad scene. She’ll blame him and he’ll readily accept it, even when the fault is at least half hers. The opposite is also true, and can be a precursor to domestic abuse. If only everyone would take responsibility for their part, and stop fretting over what everyone else is doing or not doing!?!
Another thing that happens a lot is a woman punishing a man for something a different man did. Or if something bad happened in her past and she hasn’t dealt with it, she is likely to have pent-up anger that gets unleashed on the nearest and dearest one to her… or at least the nearest. There’s a lot of domestic violence of women towards men, but the men have a harder time coming forward, or they simply put up with it. Not good. But it doesn’t have to be this way!
So, what can we do to prevent ourselves from becoming this way? Remember that we’re all adults, and spouses are supposed to be partners, or team players, working together. Don’t take responsibility or blame for the other person’s problems, and equally, don’t put yours on him/her. Deal with your own stuff — be selfish about this — and focus on what you are doing and thinking about what is happening. Deal with crap from your past, and live in the present — don’t drag shtuff from the past into the now.
I have found it helpful to remember that my sweetheart’s boyish traits, while sometimes annoying, are also what I love about him… and I wouldn’t want him to be without any boyishness, because then he’d be a grumpy old man. So I try to appreciate him and love him just as he is, quirks and all, because God knows, I’ve got quirks, and maybe some of them annoy him too (but he’s quite nice about not mentioning them, usually). 🙂 And even if he did bug me about them, that’s his doing and I don’t have to do it back to him. Resisting revenge… not easy, but great if you can do it. And I basically try to have compassion, and see things from his point of view a little. And then I remember that if he died, how much I would miss him! Who cares care about his quirks!!
Also, it occurred to me after one “bitchy moment,” that I hadn’t been taking my Evening Primrose Oil (EPO). I’ve been taking two a day for a while now, to reduce PMS, and WHOA, I think it’s working! Let’s just say when I didn‘t take it, I noticed a difference (or Darren did). So, I can no longer blame a bad mood on hormones*, when I have (what is for me) the cure and just need to remember to take it! And I’m pretty sure I have a little hypoglycemia, which causes mood swings in almost everyone in the western world! So I take care of myself accordingly. I also think much clearer and handle stress much better when I have enough vitamin B (the whole complex of B’s actually). So I need to take that, too, or eat foods with B’s in them (Earl Mindell’s Vitamin Bible tells you what foods are rich in B’s). Could the cure for bitchiness be in a pill, or a food? What if it was? Would it become $3 a pill on the black market, with husbands buying it to sneak into their wife’s food? Or vice versa — men can be bitchy too, make no mistake!
I guess it kind of comes back to being mature… taking care of yourself… not picking on small stuff… and stewing in gratitude instead of just stewing! 😀
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
*I was actually never into doing that… I always tried to be very emotionally steady so that none of my male co-workers could tell when my period was and tease me or make jokes about PMS or whatever. I think I was pretty good at it! Lately, I need the EPO to help… 🙂