Not Always Sunshine

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Hey everybody! I really should be getting to bed, but I thought I would send a quick blog first. I am inspired to share more deeply today, due to reading my friend Matt’s blog. He is very honest, even with struggles, and that is really brave. I could practice a little bravery, too, so here goes!
When it comes to Steve breaking up with me, I think I have moved on from the stage of denial to the stage of anger. I find myself feeling – well, there’s no other word for it – angry when I think about it lately. Last night, I took some time to think about it, and I think that it might be half anger (in the traditional sense) and half hurt. I feel very, very hurt, but since it is such an unpleasant feeling, I turn it into anger instead. This is a very common response, I have learned from reading various books in the past, so I guess I should be glad I’m normal!! 🙂 Tee hee! 🙂 Well, identifying it is the first step… I was feeling vaguely unhappy earlier this week, and a bit unsettled, but now I think that was just the early stages of anger. I was probably repressing it, because I don’t like being angry! I don’t like being hurt either, but I am going to try to “let myself feel” the pain and get thru it. After all, the pain, although very uncomfortable, will not kill me right? This is what I tell myself. It is okay to be hurt, after all, we were together for quite a while and it is going to take some work and time to adjust… I also have to keep myself from speculating about additional reasons for the break up that he didn’t say, possibly to prevent hurting me more, or just ’cause they were too hard to say. Speculating does no good!! So, I am trying to stop that. I have also been feeling very much like calling or emailing him, but I am strongly resisting, because I don’t think it will do me (or him) any good. It is hard to know what is best!! There are a few other conclusions that I am coming to, like the one that perhaps (!!) I am not a very good chooser-of-men! Gads. If it were a job, I should be fired! But, it’s only a hobby – well, let’s just say I’m an amateur! But isn’t everyone? How do some people find that right person? Some people are just lucky ’cause the person “fell into their lap” but others have had to look… how do they make such good decisions? Well, mine are pretty bad, so I think I’d better just put a major moratorium on any for a while. Maybe even a long while.
That’s all for now. Hope you all have a great weekend! Take care, and miss you all.

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One thought on “Not Always Sunshine

    Patricia said:
    January 22, 2007 at 7:25 pm

    Hey Ter. I’m glad you posted.

    Re: the anger thing. I would speculate that it’s a family thing. I know for myself, I’m EXTREMELY uncomfortable feeling angry, even when it’s completely justified. I’ll go to ridiculous lengths to turn that emotion into something else, anything else. It’s not healthy. But at least I’m aware, right??

    I vote against calling or emailing Steve. But that’s just me.

    Re: finding men, well, you’d hate to turn that into a “profession”, know what I mean?!?!? I didn’t find Sean until I wasn’t looking (and I was REALLY fed up with men when I met him). Personally, I’m of the opinion (I’m full of them today!) that “looking” for men is a bad idea, waste of time – better to make a life for yourself and if in the process a man comes along who fits your life (with adjustments you can life with), that’s a good thing. I know it’s easy for me to say, I met Sean when I was young. But that’s how I’d approach it if I were for whatever reason on my own again (or so I like to think).

    That was probably no help at all… I’m sorry! I’ll try to catch you by phone this week.

    Pat

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